I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.