I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers