I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.