I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Love is in the air fryer.