I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
buys donuts instead
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.