I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
You Might Also Like
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles