I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”