I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.