I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Good point.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
sliding into dms like
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE