I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
This trial is so absurd 😭
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
#catsoftwitter
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?