I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When can I start eating bats again.