*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.