I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
car not found
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?