I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON