I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

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Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.


First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.


We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.


It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing


Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.


Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is


Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”


*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here


My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out


Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.