@Kate_Goldsmith

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

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@minkpinkustink

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@DanBlackAttack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@BDGarp

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

@RobDenBleyker

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

@iscoff

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

@IGotsSmarts

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

@noog

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@sucittaM

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.