I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud


Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.


It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.


I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.


I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.


Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal


If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.


Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?


Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.


If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.