I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
spot the difference
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.