I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now heâs working at that one place kind of downtown by that other placeâŚ
-my wife telling a story
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Iâve decided Iâm not going to let my teenâs attitude get to me today, and so far Iâm doing really well with it.
Sheâs not awake yet.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Reeseâs Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” đł
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
âGoddamn youâre so well put together I canât wait to take you apartâ sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
kevin is now a local weatherman
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but thatâs not my rule to enforce
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Someone: youâre the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes donât hurt, this isnât what I wanted
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
HER: help Iâm drowning!
ME: whatâs the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra