i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*