I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Awesome parenting 😂
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.