I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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Hank is one in a melon.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.