I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…