i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Breaking news:
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*