Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Spider-cat: No One Home

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes