I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If looks could kill
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!