I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I have so many questions.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!