I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.