I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
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Mornin
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
#SuperBowl
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?