I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.