I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
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🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…