I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
my one true gender
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Lube but for my dry humor.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!