I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’m pretty like a car crash.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*