I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
scrabbled eggs
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.