I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
no their not
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.