I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
We like the way Dwight thinks
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something