I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month