I thought this was funny lol
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Holy shit he’s back
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.