I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
🙂🐾
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.