I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..