I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
こいつ天才
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I have many caverns
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.