I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
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STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks