I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.