I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”