@AbbyHasIssues

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

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@PinkCamoTO

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@karanbirtinna

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

@Michael1979

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

@Wakenbake77

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

@amberfw

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

@danadonnelly

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.