“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
the answer was staring at me all along
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.