I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
time for some seasonal decor
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder