I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
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me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.