I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”