*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Cashiers are always checking me out
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success