I throw rocks from my glass horse.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978