I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.