I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.