I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
There are no pants in heaven.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir