I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

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Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.


Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.


One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day


Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.


Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.


You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.


Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then