I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
how it started vs how it ended
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
my proudest tweet
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?