I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
ibopfufen
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.