I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
*jingles half the way*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.