@ElKnuckelhombre Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
@XplodingUnicorn I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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@ElKnuckelhombre 
@fro_vo whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
@squirrel74wkgn Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
@UnFitz Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
@diaruba74 Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
@KizerBillhelm Mmmmm white people
– sharks
@Chloestylo Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
@bourgeoisalien I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
@Jeffwni 13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
@MichaelTrying A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.