@adamgreattweet Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
@XplodingUnicorn I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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@adamgreattweet 
@awkwardphilippe HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
@rachelle_mandik HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
@JermHimselfish The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
@dubstep4dads [sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
@TheBoghdady “When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
@thepaulasuzanne My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
@VivoTranquil0 One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
@AimeeHelene1 If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
@_SetTheHook_ Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.