I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.


whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic


Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…


Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.


Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.


Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?


I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display


13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.


A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.