
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.