I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I have so many questions.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes